The holidays are here and it’s my favorite time of the year. It’s like this time of the year you shed all of the stress-enducing and not so good moments of the year to just be happy. It’s not even the gifts I care about. It’s the feeling of closeness, love and family.

This year feels different. I’m going into it alone. The past 2 holiday seasons I spent loving you. Our first Christmas together came a month after we made it “official”. I had yet to meet your family, and you mine, but they knew about you and already loved you just as much as I did. We got a Christmas tree in November and decorated it at your house. We described the tree we found as our “baby”, and we looked like glowing kids taking selfies in front of it and cheesing so hard. We took videos as we decorated it with the “balls” we bought that night. Fast forward to Christmas Day and you spent it with your family and me with mine. The night before we came together and exchanged gifts. I remember just keeping it simple because it was so new. I don’t remember if we got together that night, but all day I knew something was missing.

Then a year later, living together and so in love, it was Christmas number 2. We had made it a tradition to get our Christmas tree, so just like the year prior, we went to Home Depot and found us the perfect little tree. We made it a point to find a tree that really spoke to us. After all, it was our “child” for a limited time. You found this one from afar and we thought it was perfect. After searching all over, it just called our names.

I mostly decorated this one, while you made it a point to go get what I needed from the store to decorate it. I put up cute little stockings with our initials on them. Everything felt perfect. Antoine and Ashley came one evening and we strolled Candy Cane Lane as we would do the past couple holidays; another one of our growing traditions.

That wasn’t all. Christmas Day you were part of the family. It was you and me together. You got my dad “your secret Santa” the most thoughtful gift ever, you put together Kendall’s first bike. We drank egg nog and brandy — another one of our growing traditions. Every night and day together just felt magical.

Now we’re here. It’s a different holiday tune this year. I’m alone and the closer and closer I get to December, the more anxiety I feel. I just wish I could skip the entire season. My home feels cold. I won’t get a tree this year because for what. I don’t have someone to drink egg nog with and dance to Christmas songs in front of the tree. I don’t have someone to help me load up the car with gifts and food I cooked to take to my family.

This year is different. ;(